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It's been a day.... Jan. 23rd, 2006 @ 06:37 pm

Just like the title says, it's been a day.  It's been a week actually.  One that you really can't describe well.

Last week was horrible.  We had exams.  I felt so out of the loop.  I didn't really talk to anyone at all.  It was weird.  I read my book every lunch hour.  Alone.

Horrible up until Friday night, at least.

I went over to Andrew and Randy's on Friday night for their birthday.  I took Nikki and Kyle.  Johnna and Natalie were there, which was awesome because I hadn't seen them in ages and I missed them.  Robbie was there too.  I really wanted to talk to him.  I don't I started talking to him until well into the night.  Around 12:30 I had to drive Nikki home, so I asked if he wanted to come with me to drop her off.  Yes, me.  I asked that.  I could barely believe it was me talking, but I did.  And he came.

We dropped Nikki off and made our way back to the apartment downtown.  We talked some on the way back.  About school and such.  Then he asked me if I had a boyfriend.  I said no.  A few moments later, he asked me if I'd ever consider going out with him.  I told him yes.  It was funny walking back to the apartment.  We're both pretty shy, so we didn't really say much.  Just kind of kept looking at each other and smiling.

A little after we got back to the apartment I went into the bathroom to help Johnna take care of her and Natalie's friend, Liza.  She was getting sick and felt horrible so we stayed in there to take care of her for a long time.  Then Natalie started throwing up in Andrew's room so I went over there to take care of her while Johnna stayed with Liza.  Robbie came in to sit with me while Natalie was recovering.

Later we went for a walk outside across the street.  We turned back after a bit because it was freezing.  He put his arm around me and then took my hand.  It was great.

I had to leave Andrew's around 3:00 a.m.  I ended up leaving around 3:30.  Ooops.  Oh well.  Robbie told me he'd call me the next day, and sure enough, he did.  We hung out all day.  First we went over to Randy and Andrew's.  Randy and Johnna got in a fight, but I'm not going to say all the details because it really isn't my place to.  So Robbie and I drove out with Randy to Pellston to see her.  I got to meet his family.  His mom is really nice.  I liked her.  And his little sister is so cute.  She just loves Johnna and Robbie.  So much.  You can tell by the things she says to them.  It's adorable. 

We were there for a long time.  By the time we left I think Johnna and Randy had everything sorted out.  I think.  I don't know.

After dropping Randy off, Robbie and I went to my house.  We hung out there for awhile, watched a movie with my brother, then watched one by ourselves.

I won't go into specifics.

I dropped him off around 1:00 a.m. 

I was going to see him Sunday, but I got sick.  A-fucking-gain.  I woke up about 4:00 on Sunday morning with the worst headache.  I couldn't stand it.  I couldn't sleep.  It was bad.  I went downstairs for my mom.  She brought up some painkillers for me to take and she rubbed my head until I fell asleep.  She took my temperature.  I had a high fever.  I don't remember what it was.  100-something.  No clue.

Sunday morning around 9:00 I woke up again with the worst pain in my back ever.  Not the achey, knotted muscle pain, but sharp stabbing pain every time I would breathe.  So I went downstairs and laid on the heating pad, which did jack shit for the pain.  My mom gave me so many pain relievers.  All together yesterday I took four Motrin and six Tylenol.  And the pain still wouldn't subside.  It was so weird.
Robbie called yesterday too.  We were going to hang out, but I couldn't.  I could barely move.  It sucked, because I wanted to see him.  I told him I'd call him later that night, but I never did.  I fell asleep and didn't wake up until around 11:30 p.m.  I didn't want to call late.

This morning I woke up shivering and aching.  Oh, it was loads of fun.  When I got to school this morning, I went to sit in the octagon with a bottle of juice under the heater.  I couldn't open the damn juice, my hands hurt to much.  They physically hurt.  I couldn't grasp the cap.  Plus my hands were freezing.  Every single bone in my body just hurt like hell.  To sit on the floor hurt my hip bones and my back.  Sitting in the chair hurt my hip bones and back, and then shoulder bones when I leaned against the back of the chair.  Finally, around 8:45, even though I had only been at school not more than half an hour, I called my mom to go home.  I couldn't take it.  Despite having my sweatshirt and coat on, I was still shivering.  And shivering didn't help the pain I felt in my bones.  I went to all of my teachers to see what homework I'd have, because I don't want to get behind.  I was home by 8:50.

I crawled into bed, sweatshirt and all.  Still couldn't stop shivering.  Laying in bed, my whole body still hurt.  Bones and everything.  Finally I fell asleep around 10:00, but not after taking two Tylenol and two Motrin.  I woke up again at 1:00 feeling somewhat better.  Went back to sleep.  Woke up again around 2:30.  Went back to sleep.  Was woken up by my cell phone ringing a little bit ago.  It was Robbie.  He called to see how I was feeling.  Then he told me I have to start feeling better soon so he can see me.  I told him he needs to be at Andrew's tomorrow when I go over there so I can see him.  (I'm going to Andrew's to fingerpaint his walls with him, Christina, Chrystianna, Jasmine and Alyssa.)  He's going to call me after I get out of dance company around 5:30 tomorrow. 
That made my day better.

I'm feeling better now.  Still shitty.  Still achey.  But better. 

I'm so: mellowmellow

Noise and Kisses Jan. 15th, 2006 @ 03:13 pm

1/15/06 - 12:46 a.m.

I'm hurting so much right now.  I'm just going to go out and say it.  I'm.  Hurting.  Terribly.

I'm trying.  Really, I am.  I shrug it off.  I act like it's no big deal.  And it really isn't  big deal, but at the same time, it is a big deal.

I was reading a new book I got tonight.  It's about this girl who loses her best friend to cancer.  This one part made me tear up.  And then tears came faster.  Then I was crying.  Moments later, I was sobbing.  That was only minutes ago.  My eyes hurt.  THey're red and stinging.  Probably puffy too.

I couldn't stop crying.  Every time I picked up the book to keep reading, I cried harder.  I had to put it down because the words were all blurring together.

There is a pang in my heart.  A void.  And it really hurts.  I feel so alone, even though I have tons of friends.  A ton of friends I can't talk to.  Every time I open my mouth when I'm with one of them to say, "I really need to talk to you" or "I need someone to listen to me" or "I'm having trouble with this right now", I render myself mute.  I can't say it.  There's no one on that comfort level for me.  I shut my mouth and go back to what I was doing.  I'm afraid that if I break and spill my heart to someone, they won't even give a damn in the first place.

It's like a kick in the stomach when people approach me about it. 
"So, I heard Melissa's home."
"Yeah."
"Well, have you hung out with her?"
"No."
"Have you talked to her?"
"No."
"Oh... I didn't know.  I'm so sorry."

And then seeing her driving.  I brushed it off my shoulder to everyone else.  Pretended it didn't matter.  But inside, I cried.  It was also a kick in the stomach.  That she was home and didn't call.  Even just to say hi and that she's doing well.  It felt like I wasn't worthy enough to be spoken to.  That instead of me being the one to try and help her with her drinking and smoking, I encouraged it.  I know.  It's not true.  I know it's because she's moved on and gotten better and is doing so much better and doesn't want to risk being pulled back into a self-destructive mode.  But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

There's no one to share those inside jokes with me.

There's no one I call at 11:00 at night to cry to about something that happened between me and my family.

There's no one to get iced coffees with.

There's no one who will go for walks with me on the breakwall and not have to ask me what's wrong, because they already know.

There's no one to borrow my clothes and for me to borrow from.

There's no one who calls my parents Mom and Dad because they practically live here.

There's no one to leave me messages on my phone just to tell me that work is boring and they can't wait to get off.

There's no one to call me Jules, or Cookie, or Julie, or Neens to my face.

When I reach out to grab someone when I'm scared and I think I'm falling, there's no one there.

It's just me now.

And it's something I have to get used to.

It's a process that I'm struggling through.

Don't tell me to move on.  I'm trying my hardest.

Don't tell me to get over it.  It's harder than it seems.

You don't have to remind me that I'm not alone and it will get better. 

I know.  I didn't forget.

But it doesn't make it any less painful.

I'm feeling a lot better than I did last night.

It was just weird.

That book triggered it.  Once I started crying, I couldn't stop.

I don't remember the last time I cried that hard... I think it was at the Halloween dance... Way back at the end of October... I think.  I don't know.

I just couldn't stop.

I know it's better that I don't have someone like that anymore.  Because I was getting way to dependable.  And it was killing us both.

But it's hard to go through things like that.

I'm just sick of being the one left behind.  That's why it will be great to get out of here and off to college.  Meet a bunch of new people.  Really begin to figure things out and get everything on track.

All things happen for a reason, right?

Well, I'm still trying to find the reason for this one.

I'll figure it out someday.

In the mean time, I just have to keep pushing my way on through.

I'm so: crappycrappy
Listening to: "Noise and Kisses" - The Used

Razor Manhunt Jan. 11th, 2006 @ 07:21 pm

For those of you who get mad at when I do it, I hope you're not disappointed when I tell you that when I felt terrible last night, instead of going off on a mad search for scissors, a knife, a razor... any sort of blade... I went to my room and wrote a few sentences in my journal... it wasn't positive, of course... but I think writing out everything I felt at that moment was tons better than slashing my wrists... don't you think?  After that I went downstairs and did a painting.  It wasn't very good, but whatever.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 11:46 p.m.
Sometimes I feel like I want to stand in the middle of the streets and shout "I love you!" at the top of my lungs just to see who would respond.

Johnna and Natalie have each informed me that Johnna's brother Robbie finds me attractive and nice.  He's said something like there's something about me that he hasn't seen in other girls.

What might that be, pray tell?  FAT?  What could he possibly find attractive about ME?  Probably nothing.  It was dark at the concert.  Maybe he couldn't see well enough.  An easy mistake.  I'm not attractive.  And I'm definitely nothing special.

I wanted to cry all during dance company today.  I wanted to smash the mirrors, shouting, "You're ugly!"  Break it into a dozen shard.  Just so I didn't have to see myself.  Not in dance company.  Not sorely standing out among those talented beautiful girls.  Black haired among different shades of blonde.

I just want to be loved.  I want to feel love.  How I miss it so.  It's not as sad.  Not as lonely.  But then again, my being alone can't just be a fluke.  Remember?  I'm nothing special.  Who could possibly want me?  Oh.  That's right.  I forget.  No one.  I should know that by now. 

I'm sorry I wrote all that.  I know you guys hate it... but it's how I felt.  And I needed to get it out.  On canvas.  In a notebook.  Not on my wrists.

Here's a scan of my painting.... it's not very good, but... whatever.  I needed to take it out on something....

I'm so: aggravatedaggravated
Listening to: "Speed It Up" - Kris Demeanor and His Crack Band

Questions Jan. 10th, 2006 @ 06:24 pm

Some questions that have been on my mind for the past few months....

Why does everyone seem to be so happy when I feel so fucking sad?

How many Tylenol do I have to take before it begins to ease the ache I feel inside?

How many times will I dye my hair before I realize that it won't change any of the faults I have?

Why am I not good enough?

Why me?

Why do I make it so hard for people to love me?

How many cuts does it take to bring the pain from the inside on out?

Why do I hurt the people I love?

Why do I push people away?

Am I capable of loving someone if I don't love myself?

Can you really hurt that much if you don't have a heart?

Can you die of heartache?

Can you mend a broken heart?

Can you hate someone so much that you love them, or can you love someone so much that you hate them?

Why is love so complicated?

Why am I so hard to love?

Things I can't help but ponder....

I'm so: draineddrained
Listening to: "The Suffering" - Coheed & Cambria

"A Nina sandwich with a side of Scott...." Jan. 8th, 2006 @ 04:42 am

Tonight definitely made up for the week I had.

Friday was alright.  I left English and saw Zoie leaning against the wall in the hall.  When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Waiting for you!"  The day before I promised I would eat lunch with her.  So she came with me to get my orange out of my locker at the end of the hall.  She grabbed my hand so she wouldn't be trampled by all of the high schoolers and middle schoolers.  Then I went to eat lunch with her in her 1st & 2nd grade classroom.  It was cute.

The cast list for Little Women went up at lunch.  I was casted as Beth.  It should be okay.  I guess it won't be so bad.  It could be fun.

Like I was saying.  Tonight made up for the shit week I had.

I drove Nikki, Liz and Liam to Traverse City with me to see Anchors play their last show at the American Legion Center.  They were so awesome.  I used Scott's camera to take pictures for him.  Some of them came out really well, some of them were shit, but that's okay!  They sounded so good.  This Level Is Clouds played also and they were awesome.

Right before Anchors started playing, some girl started getting up in Natalie's face and Johnna tried to stop her, and the girl started mouthing off at her and pushed her.  So Johnna pushed her back.  The next thing we know, they're fighting.  It was awesome.  Johnna was kicking her ass.  It was broken up pretty quickly.  Johnna is awesome.

Christina was there.  It was so great to see her.  I miss her.  When Megan gets back, the three of us are going to go out for dinner and see a movie and such.  It'll be fun.

A bunch of us went back to the apartment Andrew and Randy are now living in with Cody, Joe and a few others.  So many people were there.  It was a lot of fun.  And then the guys from This Level Is Clouds came over and hung out with us too.  They introduced themselves to me.  They were really cool.  Very awesome guys.

I don't know what it was about tonight.  It was just a lot of fun.  I talked to so many people throughout the night.  At one point I was sitting talking with Randy, Alex, Robbie, and Johnna.  Then another time it was Johnna and Natalie.  And then Mollie, Manda and Jasmine.  Then Michael (from This Level Is Clouds), Jasmine, Mollie, Manda and Johnna.  It was just a lot of fun.

All of the shit that's gone down since Thursday just kind of left my mind.  With seeing Melissa and everything to do with that.  I didn't think about it once tonight... aside from when I was talking to Christina about it.  Other than that... I just had a really good time.  It was great.

It was warm inside for a great portion of the night, so I had the sleeves of my sweatshirt rolled up at different points.  I left my damn wristband at home, so I tried to hide the five cuts I have on my wrist most of the time, but sometimes I forgot, and then quickly hid them.  I know some people must have seen.  No one said anything though, thankfully.

Natalie and I both left Andrew and Randy's around 3:00 a.m.  Natalie had to drive back to Pellston and I had to take Liz and Liam home and then go home myself.  I went over to give Johnna a hug, and then Natalie came up behind me and gave Johnna and me a hug, and Johnna said, "It's a Nina sandwich!"  And then Scott came over and hugged the three of us from the side and Johnna said, "It's a Nina sandwich with a side of Scott!"  It was funny.

It's times like I had tonight when I realize what awesome friends I have.  And I realize how much fun I have.  How great it is to just get out and have a really good time.

It's wonderful.

I'm so: tiredtired
Listening to: "I Still Love You Julie" - Against Me!
Other entries
» Like the flutter of wings....

I've been in bed since New Years Eve.  Sick.

Truly.

I came home and went straight to bed.

Today was my first day back at school.

It's funny when you come back and find out what people have been saying.  Apparently the two days that I was still home sick when everyone went back to school following Christmas break, my whereabouts went unknown.  I came back today with people asking me multiple things.  "How was California?"  "How was Florida?"  "Did you have fun with Brittany?"  Hmmm.  I got this much from everyone.  The two days I was home sick, apparently I was a). In California b). In Philadelphia c). In California with Brittany (she actually went over break) d). In Florida and e). Hanging out with Melissa.  Where people get these things, I really don't know.

We get to go to Big Apple Bagels for lunch on Thursdays.  Today was Thursday.  We went to lunch.  I took Holly, Morgan and Jin in my car.  We were pulling out of the parking lot when I saw it.  Not it.  Someone.  If I told you to guess, I bet you could.  Yes.  That's right.

Melissa.

She didn't see me.

She was driving by.  But I recognized her car.  The license plate which we took so long memorizing.  And, of course, the driver in front.  All of the bumper stickers were gone, but I still recognized it.

I know I've let go, but still.  I didn't expect to see her.  It was still a shock and it still kind of hurt.  Knowing she's home and that we haven't even said hello.  Or anything of the sort.

It was just weird.

She's doing really well though.  Or so I've heard.  Through various people.  Who knows how they know.  But Hannah told me.  She goes to church with Melissa, so I'm trusting that.  She said when she goes back to Minnesota she'll be going into this missionary for a schooling thing and then off on a missions trip.  It's great.  She's doing really well.  And I'm really happy for her.  It's what she needed.  She told me that.  And she's doing what she wants.  And she's spreading faith and love and everything that this world needs.  It's great.  It really is.  I still miss her though.  We were really close.  You all know that. 

But things are the way they are.

And I'll have to deal with that.

I still was in a weird mood the rest of the day though.

I'm debating over telling my mom about it.  I've been talking to her a lot lately about it.  And she's been helping.  I love my mom.  She's wonderful.  And I tell her, too.

What a wonderful day.


» Turn a blind eye....

It's time for me to actually say what's on my mind.  No more "I just don't want to talk about it" or "I don't know what to say" and "I don't know"....

My dad came home from work today.  He came upstairs to say hello.  Then he started talking to me.  He said he's been telling everyone, so he wanted to tell me too...

He went on to tell me that he's been on Prozac for the past two months.  That he's been depressed his whole life... that this is the first time in 50 years he's been living he's actually felt great

I knew he's been depressed... I knew he was depressed.  I knew he still was depressed... I didn't know he went on medication for it a while ago... I've overheard my mom telling him he should be on something... I've overheard her saying he needed to calm down... I've heard her saying he needed to not be so upset with us all the time....

I knew he was depressed... I just didn't know everything.

I turned a blind eye.

I turned it a thousand times and more....

Once he started talking, he didn't stop for another half an hour.  He told me everything.

I'm glad the lights weren't on... I didn't want him to see the tears in my eyes.

I cried.

I listened.

I didn't say a word.

I just let him talk.

He told me he's always felt like he's been living two lives.  His "inside" life and his "outside" life.  His outside where he pretended that everything was great and that he was happy always... and then his inside... where he felt like he did everything wrong, and no one liked him...

Just like I feel.

He told me he'd get upset with my mom... he'd yell at her.

He would yell at us.

He would threaten to hit me when he got mad at me... sometimes even grabbing my arms tight in the process. 

He would threaten to hit my brother.

I think he hit me only once... not as in a spank when I was younger... but actually hit me.  Just once.  I ran up to my room crying.  He came up not even ten minutes later terribly upset.  He cried.  He told me he was so sorry.  That he didn't mean it and that he would never do it again.

That didn't stop the threats, of course.

I never would forgive him.  I never gave him the chance to apologize.  I wanted nothing more than to have him go away.

I saw the empty wine bottles.  I saw him always with a glass of wine in his hand...

Magically, that wine would last throughout the whole night... or that's what I thought.

Magically, there would be an empty wine bottle on the sink every other night or so.  Maybe every few days. 

My mom didn't drink much wine during the week.

But there they were.  The empty wine bottles. 

His magical refilling glass.

I turned a blind eye

I wondered why he got so upset so easily.

I wondered why he would yell at us over the smallest thing.

I cried when he'd yell at me for getting a B- in something.  Or a C+ in a class I was trying hard at.

I was wondering why he'd get so frantic over things.

I turned a blind eye.

When you see empty wine bottles up on your kitchen counter every few nights, you remind yourself, "Oh, that's normal.  Everyone's parents drink that much wine."

You tell yourself, "Mom probably is having some too.  You just don't see her with it."

You think, "Dad isn't really drinking that much wine.  It only seems like he is."

You say, "Dad must have had a very hard day at work today.  Or something.  He wouldn't get mad at me for doing something that minimal... would he?"

You believe, "It must be something I did.  I must've made him mad.  I had to have done something.  He always drinks wine.  Why would it start to affect him like this now?  No... it must have been something I did."

I turned a blind eye.

You see what you want to see.

You ignore what you can't let yourself believe.

You try not to see things that hurt you.

When you do, you tell yourself it's your fault.

Or that you're being silly.

When really, you're just scared.

You're scared that you're going to say something wrong to really set them off.

You're scared they're going to yell at you.

You're scared that you're going to screw up immensely.

After we finished talking and he gave me the hugest hug, I listened as he walked down the stairs, playing with the dogs.  I listened to him on the phone, laughing. 

I listened to him.

Happy.

He told me the Prozac is really working.  He's never felt this great.

He told me he's not going to drink as much wine anymore.

My mom actually made him see the doctor to try and fix the problem.  She noticed the wine drinking.  She confronted him about it.  She has before.  He turned a blind eye too.  He didn't think he was drinking that much.... This time... he saw it.  He just saw it and new he had to do something about it...

The Prozac is helping.  He's never been happier.  And he's telling everyone how happy he is.

After he went downstairs, I cried.

I cried hard.

These are things I never wanted to acknowledge.  These are the things I thought would never ever happen to my family.  But they did.  They happened.  They can happen to anyone.  Some are just luckier than others... I'm lucky enough that my dad did something about it before his drinking got worse.  I'm lucky.

I never told anyone this.  Not anyone.  Not Melissa.  Not Aimee.  Not Michelle.  Not Josh.  No one.

And people wonder why I hate alcohol so much....


» 2 days: 48 hours = 2,880 minutes = 172,800 seconds

Work was crazy tonight.

I haven't even counted my tips yet.  I'm too tired.  I'll do that tomorrow.  I have to cash a paycheck also.

Other than work, I didn't do anything today. 

I fell asleep around 4:00 a.m.

I woke up around 12:30.  Went to work at 6:00.

It was freezing last night.  Or at least it was to me.  I wore pants and a long sleeve shirt to bed last night, along with my sheets, quilt and blanket my mother made me for Christmas.  And still I was cold.

I can't feel my hands.  My fingers are frozen.

*Shivers*

I haven't been hungry. 

I don't know.  Everything just seems to be making me feel sick right now.  I have to take these calcium chews in the morning, and when I put it in my mouth this morning, I felt like throwing up.  I chewed it for a couple minutes before swallowing.  It was weird.

Recently, putting any food in my mouth feels foreign.  Why is it like that all of a sudden?  Nothing looks good.  Nothing sounds good.  Nothing seems good.  None of it.

I haven't eaten in two days.


» Greener With The Scenery

I had to work tonight.

Mary let me go at around 7:45 because it was really slow. 

That's good because I got to go out to Gaylord to see Andrew's show.  All Odds Against played.  And then Anchors For Reality played.  Andrew gave me a big hug, picked me up and spun me around.  Then Randy picked me up and put me over his shoulder.  I laughed, though what I really was thinking was, "Put me down.  Put me down.  Put me down.  I'm too heavy for you.  Let me lose weight first.  Please, please, please, please, please...."

Becky was there.

That made me happy.  She's awesome... and I think she and Andrew are starting to have a thing... at least that's what he's hoping for.  That would be so awesome.  They'd be cute together.

I guess I don't really have much to say. 

Well, I do. 

I just don't really know how to put it.

I think.

I fucking hate alcohol.

That's one thing I wanted to say.

I heard The Reason today on the radio.  What-the-fuck-ever.  Haven't heard that song since July.

I stopped at the Conners house tonight on my way to Gaylord to see if Cailey and Holly wanted to come with me.  They were at the movies.  I talked to Jeanne for a bit before leaving.  It was nice.  I miss her.  And I miss the twins.  I haven't hung out with them for awhile now. 

I lent Andrew some blankets for Kyle, Silas and himself.  They're sleeping in Andrew's van tonight.  I offered to let them sleep in my living room.  They were going to, but....

Yeah.

So Andrew said he'd bring the blankets back tomorrow after he drops off Kyle and Silas.

Then I get to run a check up to the dentist for my mom.

Then I get to go to work at 6:00.

I didn't eat today.

I'm going to bed.


» Tollas Twister Mosh Pit

Christmas was wonderful.  It was a nice morning opening gifts with my family while we made a fire.  We watched the Pistons-Spurs game.  Pistons won 85-70.  It was a lot of fun.  We went over to my Aunt Lynne and Uncle Dane's for dinner.  That was a lot of fun too.  My cousins were playing with all of their new toys and everything.  Grace pulled out the new game of Twister she got and had my aunt and brother play.  Addy, my little cousin, kept dancing all over the mat, making them all fall over and Lynne yelled, "It's the Tollas Twister Mosh Pit!"  It was pretty funny.

Today was a lazy day.  I really didn't do much at all.  I fell asleep in my room around 6:45 and then woke up at 9:00.  Watched When Harry Met Sally with my mother.  It's a great movie.  The end made me feel terrible though.

I shall explain.

I got my work schedule today.  I work:
Tuesday: 6:00-roughly 12:00
Wednesday: 6:00-12:00(?)
Thursday: 6:00-12:00(?)
Friday: 5:00-12:00(?)
Saturday: 6:00-1:00(?)

Saturday.  Also known as New Years Eve.  The first New Years ever that I will be home.  The first opportunity to spend New Years Eve with my friends.  And there's going to be a party at Ben's.  I have to work really late.  Probably until 1:00 a.m.  I only hope that people will still be there when I get out of work.  Because I just want to spend some time with someone.  I have seen no one over break.  Not one person. 
I saw everyone at Kyle's last Saturday night, but that's it.  And Holly and Cailey at the movies when they showed up there together when I went with my mother.  So I really have seen people.  But... you know what I mean.  I think.

It's just going to be kind of lonely on New Years.  I'm the youngest person at work.  The next youngest is about 19 years old.  Unless Tim works.  He's the same age as me.  Hopefully he will, so then at least I'll have someone to talk to.  I get to talk to all of the waiters and waitresses, but only when they're waiting for an order to come up.  New Years is going to be so busy there won't be any time to talk at all.

I'll make good money.  And I really need some.  I need to pay my car insurance and get gas money.  So it's really good in that sense.

I'm just not looking forward to spending my 17th New Years Eve alone...

Every year we've been in Florida.  Ever year I've had to babysit my brother and my cousin Maggie while our parents go to the New Years Eve party at the club house in their development.  Last year we all went downtown Ft. Lauderdale for New Years.  It was a lot of fun, I won't deny that.  But it was: my mom and dad.  My aunt and uncle.  Maggie's friend Robin.  Her parents.  And Jeremy.  My parents were together.  Allan and Julie were together.  Robin's parents were together.  Robin, Maggie and Jeremy were together.  The grown ups all interspersed.  I walked around a lot.  Then I sat on the stone ledge under the palm tree where we all had our stuff set up.  I wrote in my journal. 

The streets and the sqaure were filled with people.

We all counted down with the ball drop in Times Square.

Everyone hugged.

Everyone kissed.

I plastered a fake smile.

Don't get me wrong.  It was a lot of fun.  It was just... lonely.

I have decided that I will go over to Ben's to see everyone after I get out of work if people are still there. 

If no one is still there... maybe I'll try calling someone.  Anyone.  Just to see if they want to do anything.

If that fails...

I think I'll go downtown.  Just walk around for a bit.  Maybe go down to the waterfront.  Try to enjoy myself that way.  I like taking late night walks... so that should be good I suppose.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.


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